Some January that was, huh?
I know I haven't written in a while, and I apologise. I was experiencing what I've decided to call writer's oppression; I had underlying anxiety over something and it made me unable to sit down and leak my thoughts, through my fingers, onto my keyboard. So no, it wasn't writer's block. I don't get writer's block. Cocky? Yes, I know. Get Comfortable, it's long one. Also kinda dense.
Today I'm going to poke away at the big m-phrase. The one we toss into our paragraphs when we tackle topics about those sacks of wet tissue we walk around with in our noggins. Yes, I'm talking about Mental Health. Now I won't be too direct about it, or talk about the whole lot of it, instead I'll touch specific, vague, parts of it. 'Vague' is appropriate because it'll partly be about how this particular slice of life is treated in my very own country, Zambia, and presumably, all of African-Africa. I know that makes sense. Just don't read into it. Hey! No. Let's move on. Now, I won't definitively say exactly what these vague parts are, because that might cause constraint, but you'll know, Morty, y-y-you'll know.
I'll start it off with a short story. This happened to me at the end of last semester: I needed to leave some of my luggage on campus, in the store room, because I was travelling home via public transport (still hate public transport). Now, I stay in a boarding house, when I'm at school, and the store room's priority at that time of the semester is the Students that are accommodated on campus. This meant that I couldn't just do it, I had to talk to the Hall Attendant. Now, the Hall Attendant is the chatty type. She's got several aunt-like relationships with Students. Although, I genuinely think some Students just allow the relationship to grow so they can have a few perks in the bag, should they ever need them. She might know this, deep within. If that's true, I think she brushes it off because all the aunt-like relationships give her a subconscious sense of purpose. Some of you might think that's a tad brutal, but this is life. Buck up, sissy pants. When I say aunt-like, I mean Zambian aunt-like. Not the type to give you freshly baked chocolate chip cookies if you visited her home, but more like the type to cook you a whole meal with some of those healthy-ass vegetables, because she knows they'll actually benefit you; leaning towards a motherly instinct situation. Yes. So, there I was, in her office, asking for 'permission' to leave my stuff. (This is the important part of the story) When I told her what I needed, she was very quick to bring up, in Nyanja, how I don't greet her, at all, when we walk past each other on campus, and she was quite serious about it. Frankly I really thought she didn't care, but in that moment, my assumptions were tread upon like last night's ash. It's a very small campus (it's a branch of the Main campus, which is a twenty-minute drive out of town), so I see her a lot. She went on into a brief 'life advice' mode and told me how "it's good to greet, because you never know when you'll need that person's help". Well, I'll admit it, I'm not the best at greeting people. Especially people I don't already know. To put it plainly; I have mild-to-severe social anxiety (A Generalised Anxiety Disorder, really, but I'll focus on the main topic at hand). Those of you who know me personally, and know me well enough, know how much this affects the way I live my life. So when I told her that it's not deliberate and that I have social anxiety, she said "yes, but this is real life...". When I heard that, my mind paused a bit, and I almost replied in 'teachable moment' mode, but I couldn't, because I really just needed to leave my stuff a get the heck out of there. So I just took it all by the chin, and she allowed me to leave my stuff, loosely on the basis that I improve in my greeting. Yes, I was a little frustrated, but it faded away quickly afterwards. Get this, I found one of the cafeteria ladies chatting with her, and she chimed in, mid-conversation, that I never greet her either. I don't even eat from the Dining Hall! She made me genuinely upset for like three seconds. Now, do you understand how irresistible that sense of purpose is?
Sorry, that story really seemed shorter in my head.
That short experience really directed my attention towards something that I've actually thought about many times before, but never really fixated on or just talked about it with anyone. It's that there are certain aspects of people, in general, that are just blatantly disregarded by almost everyone. I know there's a 'generational gap' between the Hall Attendant and I, so our outlooks on life will obviously differ in many ways. So really, there was no winning for me in that office. What she brought up matters to her and I should acknowledge that. Also, my frustration stemmed from the fact that she just refused to try and understand me. I know what you're thinking; 'this is Africa' and 'we're black!'. Yes we are, but how long do you want us to stay in the same place and be 'black'? I really think it's possible for us to pay attention, to be more considerate and still remain 'black' without mooching off American 'cultural' paradigms. I know that's a real fear we all share; to lose ourselves and 'become like them'.
Tangent incoming.
Also, a lot of us just aren't self-aware enough. Self-awareness is a whole topic on it's own, and yes, it's lacking among us. I've witnessed so many people I know live in constant friction with themselves because they haven't taken the time, or don't know to take the time, to pause, pay attention and see what's happening within themselves so they can tackle the root of their personal problems. After which they can then help other people tackle theirs, knowing what buttons to press and where to look.
I digress.
It's safe to say that there's little-to-no hope for that Hall Attendant, regarding closing that 'generational gap'. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. It just is what it is. (Don't you just love a good meaningless tautology?). So now I direct this all to the rest of us; Gen-Z (Did I use that right? Gosh I don't know if I really have the hang of those titles yet). We're the 'exposed' ones, we have much higher adaptability, and we have enough western 'cultural' paradigms flowing in our veins to shampoo a Wookie. We share posts about Mental Health all the time, but do any of us really know what it is we're sharing? Do you just want to jump on the 'I'm aware' bandwagon? Is that why you're sharing that post? Go and read psychology books, journals or notable articles on the various matters that make up this Mental Health we speak of. If you've never experienced a truly suicidal thought, right off the bat, the best you can do for that friend who's actually experiencing them is provide comforting words, and affection to boot. I'm not asking you to all become experts in the field of psychology, I'm asking you to begin to make efforts to become experts in the field of being a fellow Human. To those friends of ours who legitimately go through the mental hardships I speak of, you have all of us. Talk to someone. And keep in mind that nothing can help you grow if you don't want to. I know the dark is comfortable, I've had a fair share of it in the past, but you need to want to step out into the light. Otherwise, you just go in a loop.
This got pretty heavy, pretty fast, huh? Suddenly social anxiety seems like a picnic.
Well, to quote Dr. Sheldon Cooper:
"[Quite frankly] picnics are no picnic... 'Where should we eat?' 'Oh, I know; the ground!'.
This 'condition' has significantly affected my life; my interactions with 'new' people (even people I know), my interests, my hobbies, the list goes on. I wouldn't be surprised if it's a big part of the reason I've been single for so long. I think it is. I can't really talk about it in depth with anyone because... you guessed it... because "we're black". Yes, there are some friends with whom I can actually discuss the topic, but most of them won't truly relate because, well, they just don't know how it feels. Again, that's not necessarily a bad thing, nor is it their fault/doing. There are several factors at play: their general upbringing, the people they grew up around, the type of media they were exposed to. These are all also entire topics of their own.
This is the part where I ramble on with miscellaneous advice.
Mental health has wide arms and legs. It just... stretches itself across many aspects of our lives. One major aspect that recently came to my attention in the power we have over our friends. See, when someone gets comfortable with calling you their friend. They've given you a certain... power... over them, most of the time without knowing it. Some don't know they have it, and unknowingly cause harm, and some have an idea of it's existence and deliberately abuse it. This power includes, but is not limited to (see how it's done, my Law School friends?), mildly or greatly affecting how they feel through what you say to them. Usually we're oblivious to this, no matter how loud the consequences/signs/symptoms. For my fellow Big Bang Theory fanatics, remember that episode when Raj only realised what a bad influence Howard was in his life after his [Raj's] Father pointed it out? Exactly what I'm talking about. They had been best friends for years and Raj was clueless about what Howard was doing to his character. For the longest time, I've thought that things like providing validation are a significant role that comes with the package of being someone's friend. Many are quick to call people out for seeking attention, but you know, deep down that's all many of us want, and for those who know how to handle it; the right kind of attention, if used well, can make you money. I know criticism is important too, but that's what I was talking about earlier; read about this stuff, practise empathy, pay attention to yourself and to others. I truly believe that it's possible to 'put yourself as number one' and treat people like they really matter, at the same time. Sure, you're 'glowing and growing', but you'll always need someone. Hall Attendant lady had a point there.
Last thing and then I'm done, I promise.
To our friends going through Mental instability, leaning as far as suicidal thoughts/tendencies: talk to someone. We understand that that's not always easy, but going in loops will only get worse. Allow me to be a bit direct: there will always be people out there who really just don't have a life as good as yours. I'm not saying your problems don't matter because theirs are worse, no. Your problems do matter, what I'm trying to say is that there's a lot you can be grateful for. The way your life is, in general, is someone's prayer point. Focus on the little things to be grateful for, and use them to develop will power. Most of the time this can't really be kicked into action on your own. So, again, talk to someone.
To the people who will be approached by our troubled friends; keep in mind that it's ridiculously easy to make things about ourselves when consoling a friend. We say things like: "I know how you feel, just like when I...". Then we'll end up mirroring, and sometimes bootlegging, their story instead of providing a solution. You do have to learn to stop yourself. And it takes practise.
Okay, now I'm done.
Thank you so much for reading, you're amazing.
Don't forget to share this blog with your friends :)
Until next time...
