Mental Inn: Bar & Resort

Hello and welcome, dear readers!

Some January that was, huh?

I know I haven't written in a while, and I apologise. I was experiencing what I've decided to call writer's oppression; I had underlying anxiety over something and it made me unable to sit down and leak my thoughts, through my fingers, onto my keyboard. So no, it wasn't writer's block. I don't get writer's block. Cocky? Yes, I know. Get Comfortable, it's long one. Also kinda dense.



Today I'm going to poke away at the big m-phrase. The one we toss into our paragraphs when we tackle topics about those sacks of wet tissue we walk around with in our noggins. Yes, I'm talking about Mental Health. Now I won't be too direct about it, or talk about the whole lot of it, instead I'll touch specific, vague, parts of it. 'Vague' is appropriate because it'll partly be about how this particular slice of life is treated in my very own country, Zambia, and presumably, all of African-Africa. I know that makes sense. Just don't read into it. Hey! No. Let's move on. Now, I won't definitively say exactly what these vague parts are, because that might cause constraint, but you'll know, Morty, y-y-you'll know.

I'll start it off with a short story. This happened to me at the end of last semester: I needed to leave some of my luggage on campus, in the store room, because I was travelling home via public transport (still hate public transport). Now, I stay in a boarding house, when I'm at school, and the store room's priority at that time of the semester is the Students that are accommodated on campus. This meant that I couldn't just do it, I had to talk to the Hall Attendant. Now, the Hall Attendant is the chatty type. She's got several aunt-like relationships with Students. Although, I genuinely think some Students just allow the relationship to grow so they can have a few perks in the bag, should they ever need them. She might know this, deep within. If that's true, I think she brushes it off because all the aunt-like relationships give her a subconscious sense of purpose. Some of you might think that's a tad brutal, but this is life. Buck up, sissy pants. When I say aunt-like, I mean Zambian aunt-like. Not the type to give you freshly baked chocolate chip cookies if you visited her home, but more like the type to cook you a whole meal with some of those healthy-ass vegetables, because she knows they'll actually benefit you; leaning towards a motherly instinct situation. Yes. So, there I was, in her office, asking for 'permission' to leave my stuff. (This is the important part of the story) When I told her what I needed, she was very quick to bring up, in Nyanja, how I don't greet her, at all, when we walk past each other on campus, and she was quite serious about it. Frankly I really thought she didn't care, but in that moment, my assumptions were tread upon like last night's ash. It's a very small campus (it's a branch of the Main campus, which is a twenty-minute drive out of town), so I see her a lot. She went on into a brief 'life advice' mode and told me how "it's good to greet, because you never know when you'll need that person's help". Well, I'll admit it, I'm not the best at greeting people. Especially people I don't already know. To put it plainly; I have mild-to-severe social anxiety (A Generalised Anxiety Disorder, really, but I'll focus on the main topic at hand). Those of you who know me personally, and know me well enough, know how much this affects the way I live my life. So when I told her that it's not deliberate and that I have social anxiety, she said "yes, but this is real life...". When I heard that, my mind paused a bit, and I almost replied in 'teachable moment' mode, but I couldn't, because I really just needed to leave my stuff a get the heck out of there. So I just took it all by the chin, and she allowed me to leave my stuff, loosely on the basis that I improve in my greeting. Yes, I was a little frustrated, but it faded away quickly afterwards. Get this, I found one of the cafeteria ladies chatting with her, and she chimed in, mid-conversation, that I never greet her either. I don't even eat from the Dining Hall! She made me genuinely upset for like three seconds. Now, do you understand how irresistible that sense of purpose is?

Sorry, that story really seemed shorter in my head.

That short experience really directed my attention towards something that I've actually thought about many times before, but never really fixated on or just talked about it with anyone. It's that there are certain aspects of people, in general, that are just blatantly disregarded by almost everyone. I know there's a 'generational gap' between the Hall Attendant and I, so our outlooks on life will obviously differ in many ways. So really, there was no winning for me in that office. What she brought up matters to her and I should acknowledge that. Also, my frustration stemmed from the fact that she just refused to try and understand me. I know what you're thinking; 'this is Africa' and 'we're black!'. Yes we are, but how long do you want us to stay in the same place and be 'black'? I really think it's possible for us to pay attention, to be more considerate and still remain 'black' without mooching off American 'cultural' paradigms. I know that's a real fear we all share; to lose ourselves and 'become like them'.

Tangent incoming.

Also, a lot of us just aren't self-aware enough. Self-awareness is a whole topic on it's own, and yes, it's lacking among us. I've witnessed so many people I know live in constant friction with themselves because they haven't taken the time, or don't know to take the time, to pause, pay attention and see what's happening within themselves so they can tackle the root of their personal problems. After which they can then help other people tackle theirs, knowing what buttons to press and where to look.

I digress.

It's safe to say that there's little-to-no hope for that Hall Attendant, regarding closing that 'generational gap'. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. It just is what it is. (Don't you just love a good meaningless tautology?). So now I direct this all to the rest of us; Gen-Z (Did I use that right? Gosh I don't know if I really have the hang of those titles yet). We're the 'exposed' ones, we have much higher adaptability, and we have enough western 'cultural' paradigms flowing in our veins to shampoo a Wookie. We share posts about Mental Health all the time, but do any of us really know what it is we're sharing? Do you just want to jump on the 'I'm aware' bandwagon? Is that why you're sharing that post? Go and read psychology books, journals or notable articles on the various matters that make up this Mental Health we speak of. If you've never experienced a truly suicidal thought, right off the bat, the best you can do for that friend who's actually experiencing them is provide comforting words, and affection to boot. I'm not asking you to all become experts in the field of psychology, I'm asking you to begin to make efforts to become experts in the field of being a fellow Human. To those friends of ours who legitimately go through the mental hardships I speak of, you have all of us. Talk to someone. And keep in mind that nothing can help you grow if you don't want to. I know the dark is comfortable, I've had a fair share of it in the past, but you need to want to step out into the light. Otherwise, you just go in a loop.

This got pretty heavy, pretty fast, huh? Suddenly social anxiety seems like a picnic.

Well, to quote Dr. Sheldon Cooper:

"[Quite frankly] picnics are no picnic... 'Where should we eat?' 'Oh, I know; the ground!'. 

This 'condition' has significantly affected my life; my interactions with 'new' people (even people I know), my interests, my hobbies, the list goes on. I wouldn't be surprised if it's a big part of the reason I've been single for so long. I think it is. I can't really talk about it in depth with anyone because... you guessed it... because "we're black". Yes, there are some friends with whom I can actually discuss the topic, but most of them won't truly relate because, well, they just don't know how it feels. Again, that's not necessarily a bad thing, nor is it their fault/doing. There are several factors at play: their general upbringing, the people they grew up around, the type of media they were exposed to. These are all also entire topics of their own.

This is the part where I ramble on with miscellaneous advice.

Mental health has wide arms and legs. It just... stretches itself across many aspects of our lives. One major aspect that recently came to my attention in the power we have over our friends. See, when someone gets comfortable with calling you their friend. They've given you a certain... power... over them, most of the time without knowing it. Some don't know they have it, and unknowingly cause harm, and some have an idea of it's existence and deliberately abuse it. This power includes, but is not limited to (see how it's done, my Law School friends?), mildly or greatly affecting how they feel through what you say to them. Usually we're oblivious to this, no matter how loud the consequences/signs/symptoms. For my fellow Big Bang Theory fanatics, remember that episode when Raj only realised what a bad influence Howard was in his life after his [Raj's] Father pointed it out? Exactly what I'm talking about. They had been best friends for years and Raj was clueless about what Howard was doing to his character. For the longest time, I've thought that things like providing validation are a significant role that comes with the package of being someone's friend. Many are quick to call people out for seeking attention, but you know, deep down that's all many of us want, and for those who know how to handle it; the right kind of attention, if used well, can make you money. I know criticism is important too, but that's what I was talking about earlier; read about this stuff, practise empathy, pay attention to yourself and to others. I truly believe that it's possible to 'put yourself as number one' and treat people like they really matter, at the same time. Sure, you're 'glowing and growing', but you'll always need someone. Hall Attendant lady had a point there.

Last thing and then I'm done, I promise.    

To our friends going through Mental instability, leaning as far as suicidal thoughts/tendencies: talk to someone. We understand that that's not always easy, but going in loops will only get worse. Allow me to be a bit direct: there will always be people out there who really just don't have a life as good as yours. I'm not saying your problems don't matter because theirs are worse, no. Your problems do matter, what I'm trying to say is that there's a lot you can be grateful for. The way your life is, in general, is someone's prayer point. Focus on the little things to be grateful for, and use them to develop will power. Most of the time this can't really be kicked into action on your own. So, again, talk to someone.

To the people who will be approached by our troubled friends; keep in mind that it's ridiculously easy to make things about ourselves when consoling a friend. We say things like: "I know how you feel, just like when I...". Then we'll end up mirroring, and sometimes bootlegging, their story instead of providing a solution. You do have to learn to stop yourself. And it takes practise.
 
Okay, now I'm done.

Thank you so much for reading, you're amazing.

Don't forget to share this blog with your friends :)

Until next time...

Sayonara.

Day 365 + 5

Hello and welcome [smiley face, smiley face]

It's been a while huh, (don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it ) haven't written one of these since last decaaade! Lmao that joke is so four days ago, but don't go around saying I didn't use it. I got jokes too. Anyway, I'm currently on holiday, and I would have gotten down to writing immediately I got home, but I thought I should take a load off. Thank you for your patience, dear reader. 

So, let's get into it, shall we?

Not sure why I took so long (you might see quite a lot of stuff I write about starting this way because, well, in the words of Drake; "I just like to take my time with all this s**t, I still believe in that."), but I've finally watched Demon Slayer (Kimetsu No Yaiba) and man oh man is it good. Just one season in, and I can already say that the story telling is nothing short of beautiful (it's actually what brought me to write this today. I'll get to that shortly). Not to mention the art style, and the mouth-watering fight scenes; brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. Now, I'm not here to review Demon Slayer, so don't worry, if you haven't seen it yet, I won't spoil anything. Or, at least, I'll do my best not to reveal anything too significant. If you've watched it up to, at least, episode 8, you'll be fine.

The much anticipated year of 2020 is upon us, and only about three days in, we had the possibility of a third World War looming upon us. By the way, the Memes are hilarious; the never failing Internet has really delivered on this one. Anyway, that's also not why I'm here. See when I was watching Demon Slayer, the 'early' story appealed to me in a significant way. The first episode begins with Tanjiro carrying his sister Nezuko who, before we're told why later in the episode, is almost dying (at least that's what he thought). This story opens up by showing us what's essentially Tanjiro's purpose; the whole reason he's dong what he does so awesomely now. In that very moment, it was to keep his little sister from dying, and after that it's to turn her back into a Human. Yes, of course, the rest of his family was massacred, and that's definitely a more than significant part of his purpose. So perhaps, more accurately, I should call Nezuko his motive. Whatever the case, he carries her around on his back, and to me that translates to her being the reason for most, if not all, of his actions.

To me, the whole show just looked like one big analogy. One that I'm looking to apply to my life more aggressively.  A lot of us tend to venture into various undertakings with no actual motive, purpose, or goal(s). To give a good example; there are plenty of students who are in various Universities studying something they're not really interested in, and they're doing it so that they can get a job later, which they might not even enjoy. I know that example is a little heavy, comparatively, but bare with me. Of course, it shouldn't take something as awful as what happened to Tanjiro to get you to kick into gear, but when you do kick into gear, carry your motive in a box on your back as well. This way you won't lose focus. There are points in the show where all it takes is the sight (or even the thought) of Nezuko to get Tanjiro back on his feet, especially if he felt like giving up after being knocked down hard. Tanjiro is not only motivated by his little sister, but also extremely protective of her. Your motives are subject to scrutiny. There are plenty of people who will not understand your motives and goals, or will just flat out not approve of them, and that's okay, it happens all the time, and people are different. But once you set your motives and goals straight, you need to be fiercely protective of them. As is Tanjiro  of his little sister. The guy headbutted a Hashira without a second thought for crying out loud. Keep in mind that motives and goals can't be used interchangeably here; your goals are where you want to get, and your motives are (arguably a subset of goals, but...) what you channel to keep you on your feet as you get there.  

Later in this big analogy, our (main) protagonist meets what I concluded are two extremes of his personality: Inosuke Hashbira and Zenitsu Agatsuma. It would be great if even one of you agree with me on that. Inosuke is an over-the-top projection of what Tanjiro needs to become if he is to gain the ability to defeat that person. Even with how aggressive Inosuke is, Tanjiro still found room to learn something from him, although not so evidently (he unknowingly encouraged Tanjiro to go up that mountain). Coming to Zenitsu, well, he's where Tanjiro is coming from. Now of course Tanjiro wasn't that bad, but he might have had elements of it which are later knocked out of him as the story progresses. From my personal experience, it's very easy to lose yourself amongst your peers. Especially those we admire in one way or another. You unknowingly start to adopt certain aspects of theirs and slowly chip away at yourself. We've seen elements of this sort of 'self comparison' in Izuku Midoriya from My Hero Academia. I witness it happen all the time, both to other people and to myself. I usually notice it and have to stop myself, most of the time. Thank goodness I always succeed at stopping myself. Anyway, the point of this paragraph is to point out how Tanjiro maintains strength of character, and that you should too. He hardly ever strays from who he is, unless it's to get better. I hold character to an immensely high regard, and so Tanjiro strikes me as an admirable individual. It reaches a point where even his more aggressive peer begins to admire him. This happens in real life as well.

There's so much in this show (or pretty much anything really) that I could break up and talk about, piece by piece, but like I said; this isn't a review.

So what have we learnt today? Well; that we should take time to figure out our motives, and our goals, make sure they're true to who we are, and to carry them around on our back, in a box made of a special, light, wood. Haha. Yes. I'm not going to edit that. Also, we should dig deep into ourselves, and find who we really are. Stick to it as well. No one can do you better than you do. It's not too late, you can still try and come to grips with what your new new year resolutions are, write them down if you want/need to, and work on you, in this respect,  for the next 360 days (wow, those reduced pretty quickly huh? Yes! So you better get going). Also, later, we can link these two traits together and be on the road to becoming the best versions of ourselves. Tanjiro hasn't swayed because he's focused on why he's a Demon Slayer, and look at him now. 

Well that's all I had for you today.

Thank you for reading :)

You're the best! 

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P.S: The title of this blog is mooched off my friend Mia's blog post title. She's pretty cool. You should check out her Blog too, just click here.

REVIEW: 'Broken Powder' by Chelsea Musenge

I’ve taken way longer than I should’ve, but I’ve finally read Broken Powder, by Chelsea Musenge, in its entirety. Okay, by now it's been even longer, but you get it. Right off the bat, I’ve established that I really should read more poetry.

Brief overview: the book is in two main parts; Part One: What Love Shouldn’t Feel Like, and Part Two: How to Contour Your Soul. I will talk about them in that order, and conclude more comprehensively. Also, every time I mention 'Chelsea', I'm referring to the author's self-named character in the book.

So, let’s get into it, shall we?

Part One: What Love Shouldn't Feel Like

Part one kicks off with a conversation, between Chelsea and Anna, who seems to be Chelsea’s alter-ego. This had me really appreciating this work by the second sentence because I knew I was in for a riverboat journey guided by the author’s aggressively abstract muse. (Side track incoming) One of the keys to a great movie is to make the audience work for their meal. Not to be overdone, of course (I’ll address this again a little later). Okay, back to that opening conversation. Early in the conversation, Chelsea asks a question: “Anna, are you listening?”. Anna’s response to this question fits so perfectly with the… sort of... context, that this book subtly gives off. She responds: “Do I have a choice?”. This is perfect, because, from my surface knowledge of the art of conversation (don’t know if that’s a thing. Winged it), the person asking the questions is in charge of that conversation. Anyway, moving on; the first actual poem is also some sort of introductory piece; short, and doesn’t hesitate to jump to the dark side, to try and find some light in it. This is a recurring theme throughout the whole part of the book, which does have more pieces of dialogue between Chelsea and Anna, and after each one, there seems to be a lift in Chelsea’s spirit; as if she’s given up on digging in the darkness and gone to find light where it’s abundant (in Obi-Wan’s chest). Although, sometimes the theme turns into extremely abstract attempts to conjure up and deliver the message, and as general criticism: being a more ‘literal’ thinker, the layers of abstraction are a bit too thick for me, sometimes. Thick enough to cause wrinkles on my forehead as I read. The pain behind some of the words is felt, but some of the words beckon, they beckon to be put to rest. But... who am I to tell Poetry what to do? Although, perhaps this is the point, maybe this is just how love shouldn’t feel: abstract and omnidirectional. But that’s just how I feel. Regarding my favourite moments in this part, I’d have to say all the conversations, and that somewhat exclusive piece titled To The Guy Who Sells Headsets At The Bottom Of The Stairs Near That Eating Place. The two share the same close-to-home feeling. The second one especially because I’m all about treating others with some humanity (be nice to each other. It won’t kill you!). I mean, who is this guy? Which eating place? Could this be on Cairo Road? Does he sell Power Banks too? We’ll never know, and that’s the best part!

Part Two: How To Contour Your Soul

This is where Chelsea really opens up to us. It's a lot more 'literal' and very comfortable to digest, for the not-so-poetic reader. The author really channels her inner KDB in this part; always looking to nail that killer pass, and boy does she get them into the box. Starting from the title, How To Contour Your Soul is just as the title suggests it is: a guide to moulding ourselves to become the best people we can be to ourselves. It does this pretty elegantly, I must say. With pieces like Thinner, 70, and my personal favourite: Steady (I’ll get back to this one in a bit). The author begins to address 'louder' topics, in this part. Thinner shines a light on the constant pressure that society puts on us (or more contextually: on females) to be the right weight and shape. A subtle religious aspect comes out stronger here as well. Even the conversations with Anna have a sunnier appeal. Speaking of Anna, she gets to stretch her legs with not one, but two beautiful letters. Definitely on the list of  my favourite moments. Getting back to Steady, this piece resonates with me solely because I’ve experienced what it talks about, first hand. I’m very sure there are some of you reading this right now, who’ve read the book and are now getting a thick shot of the feels in your veins. In the words of Ryan O’Neal; we’ll be just fine.

The More Comprehensive Part I Promised

Broken Powder is probably just one of several books of its kind that Chelsea Musenge will grace us with, it’s clear that she has a lot to say. Maybe when she does publish more, they’ll have a more literal approach to the delivery system, but that really is just me. Although, it’s safe to say that you need to have certain mindset to wholesomely understand and grasp the full extent of the weight of this book (or just really be into poetry LMAO). It’s like a wide canvas, with some sections recklessly, but beautifully, painted with hands dipped in paint, and others carefully brushed with the assistance of a self-aware brush. That's Anna. The self-aware brush is Anna. Yeah, I can be poetic too. Whatever part of this canvas you’re currently looking at, you can be sure that you’re looking at what could possibly be someone’s muse. Above all, it's a great book. Do I like it? Yes. Do I recommend you buy it? Of course.

Post Script: What I really wanted to do was talk about several (or just some) of the poems in the book individually, but as I mentioned in my introductory post: school is mad right now. Send help. So the post has ended up being a little surface-level and way shorter than I intended for it to be. Bare with me.

PSA About my Rating Method: I have invented a unit of measurement (because we don't have enough of them already). I call it the 'oco' (oh-ko), denoted: 'oCo', and from now on, I will use it to rate what I review (and maybe, sometimes, what I don't). The oCo scale runs from 0 to 27. Those of you that know me well enough know the answer to the question 'why 27?'. For those that do not: 27 is the title of my favourite song by Fall Out Boy, which is my favourite band. 

Overall Rating: I'm giving Broken Powder a strong 18 oCos, largely for its originality, as well as its bold delivery.

Disclaimer: I'll go ahead and admit it; I am not the most poetry savvy individual on Earth. However, I most certainly love and appreciate all forms of writing (and Art). It is from this love and appreciation that I drew nearly everything above this disclaimer. Neat, huh?

Thank you for reading, you're a good sport.

And you can s'pport me s'more by sharing this post. Thanks :)

Pilot

I suppose you're all wondering why I called you here today. *Shifts weight and runs gaze across the room*.

I'm your average Computer Science student (hail stackoverflow), from a small, calm, town in the Southern bit of Zambia. At 20 years of age, you'd think I know how to introduce myself, but clearly; this is already a disaster. Never been the best at meeting new people either, so if you could all stop staring so hard, and that'd be great. 

About the Blog: in the past, I've been told that I'm quite opinionated, enough times for me to start to believe it (it's true). So a lot of what I'll write here might come off as reviews (it will be reviews. Not all of it though), mainly about stuff that interests me (or doesn't). I'm huge on Music, so expect a lot of that too. However, the aforementioned 'constraints' are not to be taken as a written-in-stone manifesto. I'm not at all boolean, and I'm pretty good at winging it, so this Blog is subject to substantial change, regarding subject matter. In any case; feel free to bombard the comments section, I love a good spirited discussion.

Disclaimer: I am currently at the mercy of my School's schedule, and the ounces of humanity left in some of my lecturers. For that reason, my consistency will suffer. But who's asking.

Welcome to my Blog :)

Now come one, come all, to this tragic affair.